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"NO," the beast in the well said.
"What do you mean, 'no'?  Don't you know what an ultimatum is?" I shouted down at it. "I really will do it!"
"NO," the beast said.  "IS TRICK."
"I really don't have to cut you this slack," I yelled.  "I really loved that cat!  Not even the Prior would blame me for taking revenge!"
"WAS GOOD," the beast said.
"Was...? Wait. Did you just tell me how delicious my pet was?  Did you really, in the name of cruel irony, tell me that my Mr. Snickers was delicious?"
"WAS GOOD," the beast confirmed.
"Alright, this is fucking happening," I said, getting up onto the lip of the well.  I unzipped my fly.
"NO, IS TRICK," the beast said, a little uncertainly.
I whipped out my man-hose and started peeing down the well.

"NO NO NO NO NO," the beast said.  The walls of the well shook as the beast writhed around.
"Nowhere to hide in a well, is there?" I called down.  "I've been drinking an awful lot of water!  Why, I daresay I could pee for hours!"
"NOOOOOO," the beast howled.  The walls of the well began shaking with a rhythm that meant one thing.

 "Crap," I said.  It's kinda hard to stop peeing once you've got going.  But the beast was definitely climbing up the walls of the well.  I hopped off the lip of the well and managed to land without peeing on myself, because yes, I was still peeing and I really had drank a lot of water.

When the beast's head popped out of the well, I almost laughed and screamed simultaneously.
It had piss all over its face.
And its face was fucking scary.
It looked like the gnarly lovechild of a hairy sasquatch and a sabertoothed pug.
The head cleared the well and I saw the rest of the body was more like a wyrm.  A wyrm with spontaneous and unplanned hair growths.
Luckily, I had finished peeing and now was learning how uncomfortable it is to run while trying to put away your manhood.


Back at the Priory, things were going fine.  Or at least, they looked fine from a distance.  Everything's always fine there.  Except when an apprentice monk is booking it up the main road while being chased by the piss-covered Well Beast.

"Hey, hey!  Help! Use the tasers on him!" I yelled.
I saw the gate guards, both brawny young guys, take one long look at my situation.  Then they abandoned the gate and fled towards the Priory.

"Assholes!" I shouted at them breathlessly.
"We - we can come to an agree - agreement!" I huffed as I ran under the gate.
The Well Beast slowed down.  Gratefully, I slowed down too.
"I c-c-can promise you won't be peed on again," I said as I continued to jog.
The Well Beast strode after me, seeming to think about my proposal.
"Th-there's a cave," I said, gasping.

Suddenly, my cape ties jerked hard against my neck.  My feet flew up and I landed on my back.
"NO PEE?" the Well Beast said, it's face hovering a mere foot from mine.
"No pee, no people, no pets," I wheezed, trying not to breathe.
"SHOW," the Well Beast said.

It was nearly midnight by the time I got back to the Priory.  I was immediately frogmarched to the Prior's personal quarters.  
I knew I was too tired to lie to the Prior.  The man had the spiritual lasers beaming out of his eyes, 24/7.  It took serious piety and a lot of advance prayer to fool the Prior.
So I just told him everything.

And once I was done, the Prior was silent for a minute.
He then said, "You peed down the well and ruined the well water?"
 "I - but wait I - I got rid of the Well Beast!" I sputtered.

That's how I learned, the really hard and slow way, how to purify water using prayer.
Dear God, I cannot fathom why I did this challenge.  The sleep deprivation I've accumulated over the last two weeks is affecting my ability to function.
Weird formatting must be fixed.
[EDIT] Formatting changed.  Not sure I actually fixed it.
[EDIT EDIT] Got a Daily Deviation despite formatting that isn't actually fixed.  This is indeed a glorious day.

Flash Fiction Month 2014, Day 30
Today's Challenge:
1 - FLASH FRICTION: Your story should begin with an argument. Okay done.
2 - FLASH AFFLICTION: 
Your main character should be marginalised in some way. That whole hero thing didn't work out for him.
3 - FLASH DERELICTION:
 Your story must be a work of urban fantasy or slipstream. I'm going for slipstream here. Tasers + monks.
4 - FLASH MALEDICTION: 
Your story must be exactly 666 words long. Yeah okay.
5 - FLASH BENEDICTION:  Your story should feature a monk or holy person. They're all over the place.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2016-03-09
The Well Beast and I by TuesdayNightCompany is a "thoroughly silly slice of fantasy" that is sure to entertain.  ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by LiliWrites )
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I can't imagine how you purify water one prayer at a time :D 
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2016
Gotta pray to and appease a lot of entities, I guess? ; )
Reply
:iconwhipping-b0y:
WhIppIng-b0y Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016  Hobbyist
This was magnifique :D The most hilarious piece that was ever so short. You should write books :)
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2016
Hah hah, thank you! Well, I'm trying! If I stop fiddling with it and just release it, I should have a few chapters of a comedy about a mildly evil genius soon. Stay tuned!
Reply
:iconwhipping-b0y:
WhIppIng-b0y Featured By Owner Edited Aug 15, 2016  Hobbyist
Ah fiddling is great :D it is what I currently need to do with my book :/ ah well, at least I have a book to fiddle with :) and that sounds pretty fun :D

(Srry fr the late reply ^^;)

Also, how could I have not favorited this already?! XD
Reply
:iconhopeburnsblue:
hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2016  Professional Writer
Gave me a good laugh, thank you!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2016
You're welcome! Thanks for reading!
Reply
:iconbornwiththesun:
BornWithTheSun Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Congrats on the DD! :) I have to say, my favorite part of this is probably the Well Beast's dialogue. I don't know why, but its grammar really struck my funny bone. Thanks for the laughs! :)
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2016
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment!
Yeah, I'm not sure how I came up with the Well Beast's manner of speaking. :shrug:
But it certainly is fun.
Reply
:iconbornwiththesun:
BornWithTheSun Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :) Ideas that come out of nowhere are my favorite.
Reply
:iconutriv:
utriv Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Awesome story! Congrats also!!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2016
Thank you!
Reply
:iconutriv:
utriv Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2016
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconnamelessshe:
NamelessShe Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Congrats!!! This is fantastic!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Yay thank you and congrats to you too!
Reply
:iconbattlefairies:
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Aaah, my best read of the day so far. Good stuff, good stuff. I'm weirdly gladdened by the potty humour, too, I admit. Can't say that kind of stuff is common.

Congratulations on the DD!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Madam, you make me blush at your praise!  Thanks!
Reply
:iconbattlefairies:
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Don't mention it.
As you were! :iconsaluteplz:
Reply
:iconbearclouds:
bearclouds Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016
great!!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Thanks!
Reply
:iconsweetieamy:
sweetieamy Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The only one tiny thing that bothered me was. .."take" not "took" ....very funny though =)....
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
I'll "take" a look at the story again for errors. ;)
Thank you!
Reply
:iconfanofcreator:
fanofcreator Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016
Is this ur story?
It's amazing
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Yes it is indeed my story.  Thank you! :blush:
Reply
:iconzitru:
zitru Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on the DD!!
This was such an awesome text to read
I was just checking in on dA while finishing my homework, and I absolutely love this c:
Great work!!! <3
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Oh wow, thank you! :faint:
Reply
:iconzitru:
zitru Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome ;v;
Reply
:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I already have this faved :aww:!   Congratulations on your much deserved DD! :clap:
WinningDD by marphilhearts
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
See, you're one of the cool kids now.  You liked the band before anyone else did. ;D
Thank you!
Reply
:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ha! I was born cool babe! :lol: ^^ ;)
Reply
:iconmouselemur:
Mouselemur Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
This was funny and delightful to read, all the way to the surprising end :D
Congratulation on the DD :clap:
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Hurray, thank you! Gosh, I feel so cool right now.
Reply
:iconmouselemur:
Mouselemur Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
You're totally entitled to ;P
Reply
:iconphanicpilotboy:
PhanicPilotBoy Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016
Hilarious :D Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
They wuv me, they really wuv me!
Reply
:icono0w0o:
o0w0o Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016
Grats on the DD!~ :hug:
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Thank ya muchly! :highfive:
Reply
:icono0w0o:
o0w0o Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
npnp!~ :hug:
Reply
:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on the DD! I really liked this one ^^ 
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD! :DALove: by Ikue
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
My Pleasure (1) by daniya-ART
Reply
:iconiduna-haya:
Iduna-Haya Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Great work ^^ Congratulations on the Daily Deviation!
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconbomberhead67:
Bomberhead67 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2016
Well, shit :)
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2016
Yeah, seriously, what the hey. :)
Reply
:icondailylitrecognition:
DailyLitRecognition Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2015

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLR (Daily Literature Recognition) in a news article that can be found Daily Lit Recognition for March 26th, 2015. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by +faving the News Article.


Keep writing and keep creating.

Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2015
Sweet!  Thank you!
Reply
:iconhopeburnsblue:
hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2015  Professional Writer
Omg lmfaoooo this is fantastic!
Reply
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