"What do you mean, 'no'? Don't you know what an ultimatum is?" I shouted down at it. "I really will do it!"
"NO," the beast said. "IS TRICK."
"I really don't have to cut you this slack," I yelled. "I really loved that cat! Not even the Prior would blame me for taking revenge!"
"WAS GOOD," the beast said.
"Was...? Wait. Did you just tell me how delicious my pet was? Did you really, in the name of cruel irony, tell me that my Mr. Snickers was delicious?"
"WAS GOOD," the beast confirmed.
"Alright, this is fucking happening," I said, getting up onto the lip of the well. I unzipped my fly.
"NO, IS TRICK," the beast said, a little uncertainly.
I whipped out my man-hose and started peeing down the well.
"NO NO NO NO NO," the beast said. The walls of the well shook as the beast writhed around.
"Nowhere to hide in a well, is there?" I called down. "I've been drinking an awful lot of water! Why, I daresay I could pee for hours!"
"NOOOOOO," the beast howled. The walls of the well began shaking with a rhythm that meant one thing.
"Crap," I said. It's kinda hard to stop peeing once you've got going. But the beast was definitely climbing up the walls of the well. I hopped off the lip of the well and managed to land without peeing on myself, because yes, I was still peeing and I really had drank a lot of water.
When the beast's head popped out of the well, I almost laughed and screamed simultaneously.
It had piss all over its face.
And its face was fucking scary.
It looked like the gnarly lovechild of a hairy sasquatch and a sabertoothed pug.
The head cleared the well and I saw the rest of the body was more like a wyrm. A wyrm with spontaneous and unplanned hair growths.
Luckily, I had finished peeing and now was learning how uncomfortable it is to run while trying to put away your manhood.
Back at the Priory, things were going fine. Or at least, they looked fine from a distance. Everything's always fine there. Except when an apprentice monk is booking it up the main road while being chased by the piss-covered Well Beast.
"Hey, hey! Help! Use the tasers on him!" I yelled.
I saw the gate guards, both brawny young guys, take one long look at my situation. Then they abandoned the gate and fled towards the Priory.
"Assholes!" I shouted at them breathlessly.
"We - we can come to an agree - agreement!" I huffed as I ran under the gate.
The Well Beast slowed down. Gratefully, I slowed down too.
"I c-c-can promise you won't be peed on again," I said as I continued to jog.
The Well Beast strode after me, seeming to think about my proposal.
"Th-there's a cave," I said, gasping.
Suddenly, my cape ties jerked hard against my neck. My feet flew up and I landed on my back.
"NO PEE?" the Well Beast said, it's face hovering a mere foot from mine.
"No pee, no people, no pets," I wheezed, trying not to breathe.
"SHOW," the Well Beast said.
It was nearly midnight by the time I got back to the Priory. I was immediately frogmarched to the Prior's personal quarters.
I knew I was too tired to lie to the Prior. The man had the spiritual lasers beaming out of his eyes, 24/7. It took serious piety and a lot of advance prayer to fool the Prior.
So I just told him everything.
And once I was done, the Prior was silent for a minute.
He then said, "You peed down the well and ruined the well water?"
"I - but wait I - I got rid of the Well Beast!" I sputtered.
That's how I learned, the really hard and slow way, how to purify water using prayer.
Weird formatting must be fixed.
[EDIT] Formatting changed. Not sure I actually fixed it.
[EDIT EDIT] Got a Daily Deviation despite formatting that isn't actually fixed. This is indeed a glorious day.
Flash Fiction Month 2014, Day 30
1 - FLASH FRICTION: Your story should begin with an argument. Okay done.
2 - FLASH AFFLICTION: Your main character should be marginalised in some way. That whole hero thing didn't work out for him.
3 - FLASH DERELICTION: Your story must be a work of urban fantasy or slipstream. I'm going for slipstream here. Tasers + monks.
4 - FLASH MALEDICTION: Your story must be exactly 666 words long. Yeah okay.
5 - FLASH BENEDICTION: Your story should feature a monk or holy person. They're all over the place.
(Srry fr the late reply )
Also, how could I have not favorited this already?! XD
Yeah, I'm not sure how I came up with the Well Beast's manner of speaking.
But it certainly is fun.
Congratulations on the DD!
This was such an awesome text to read
I was just checking in on dA while finishing my homework, and I absolutely love this c:
Great work!!! <3
Congratulation on the DD
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLR (Daily Literature Recognition) in a news article that can be found Daily Lit Recognition for March 26th, 2015. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.
Keep writing and keep creating.